Minor League Rocker

Big, beautiful stages like this are rare for us.

If you start playing in a band, you will be amazed by the number of people who want to talk to the band afterward - and often, tell the members every single thing they should do to be better live. It’s also plain to any experienced musician that none of these people have spent time on a stage as part of a live band - karaoke is the limit of their experience. With that in mind, here are a few things you should keep in mind when dishing advice out to bands.

1. Stages in local venues are perilous place - Yes, I know they look solid. But they’re clapped out as can be. Sometimes, entire pieces of the stage at certain venues will start sliding if I put my foot on them. One other venue has a section that is ready to cave in; even the most gentle step onto it causes it to bow downward eight inches. We will not be risking limb and possibly life to jump around like monkeys to entertain you. But we will play good music.

Showhorning us onto this stage was a nightmare - I nearly fell off at one point!

2. There’s really not much room to move - The dudes from Iron Maiden run all over the stage during their shows. And I so want to do that. Here’s the rub: If I want to go over to Matt’s side of the stage, I have to plot a careful course with the precision of a NASA shuttle launch to safely squeeze between Todd and the drum mic without knocking either down. I also have to navigate PA and instrument cables all and sundry. It’s like Han Solo piloting the Millennium Falcon through an asteroid field while gettin’ sweet lovin’ from Princess Leia, fixing the hyperdrive and dodging a giant ship-eating space slug, all while the Imperial Star Destroyer that is a 12-bar guitar solo is headed my way. And I have to time it right in the song, where I won’t have a busy part because …

3. Musicians can’t hear jack squat onstage - See, in the Big Leagues, musicians have these things called in-ear monitors. They allow the sound engineer to pipe directly into a musician’s ear what the audience is hearing. Here in the minor leagues, we seldom have monitors. Mostly, we hear our own instrument and the drums, and only traces of anything else. That means we DON’T HEAR OURSELVES when we go venturing around. We have to pick our moments.

A trip to rock out with a bandmate involves NASA-like precision planning.

4. We want to talk to you, but let us get off the stage first - This post might sound a bit like I’m complaining about music fans. But it’s the minority. Most are super-supportive, and can’t wait to offer some really sincere and uplifting compliments. I only ask one thing: We’re probably one of several bands that are playing on any given night, and we move our own gear. Hang out and have a brew while we load out - we want to be courteous to the next band and get our gear offstage so they can get set up and rocking as soon as possible. Once we load out, we’ll totally talk your ears off. I promise.

I hope this does something to dispel the notion that this is like Guitar Hero or the World Air Guitar Championship. You can’t just spend the entire time onstage acting wild, throwing your guitar around and banging your head. Let’s say a show lasts an hour. Imagine running for an hour. Does anybody sprint for a full hour? No. You pick your spots, and have some natural lulls. Add the quicksand of crappy stages and technical challenges, and you see why “putting on a show” can be a really tall order.